Understanding the human relationships

A conversation with the Mentor

Disciple: It seems that many of the young people are struggling with human relationship problems of various kinds. For instance, they might not get along with or find themselves at odds with others at various places and conditions.

Mentor: Every problem is very real and pressing to the person concerned. When someone comes to with a problem because they trust you, I hope you will listen sincerely and respond with empathy and compassion. It is absolutely vital you respect the person’s privacy, maintaining strict confidentiality about what they tell you. Depending on the problem, it may sometimes be appropriate to take them to seek guidance with someone trustworthy and more experienced in the faith.

In life, there are bound to be people we don’t like or get alone with. I have also encountered my share of unpleasant and spiteful people. Not even close friends always see eye to eye. Our relations with family members too, may not always be smooth. And even in SGI there may sometimes be people we don’t mesh with.

Buddhism teaches the four sufferings and the eight sufferings. The first four are the fundamental sufferings of birth, ageing, sickness and death. They; along with our additional sufferings comprise the eight sufferings. Interestingly, one of these latter four is the suffering of having to meet those whom one hates.

In other words, everyone at some point or another experience problems or difficulties in human relationships. We have to be ready to deal with such problems as long as we live. So if you are having problems of that sort now while you are young, just think of these problems as a learning process, adopt a broader long term view and work through it. That is the way; you make your problems a foundation for your personal growth.

Disciple: That’s very clear that many young people also face problems in their relationships with their families and friends.

Mentor: None of us are perfect, so there are bound to be problems now and then. But the important thing is that you yourself strive to become the brilliant actor in drama of life.

In the novel” little lord Fauntleroy”, Cedric, the protagonist in this book is sent to live with grandfather in England. His grandfather is the member of aristocracy and is of haughty, ill- tempered nature. The grandfather is warmed by the Cedric’s innate goodness and sincerity. Though everyone disliked the grandfather, but Cedric believed in his essential goodheartedness. He persisted in treating his grandfather with deep respect, love and cheerfulness, eventually melting the old man’s hardened heart.

When it comes to human relationships, our attitudes can change others’ attitudes. If we change, those around us will also change too. It is like the situation when one faces the mirror and makes a bow of obeisance” the image in the mirror likewise makes a bow of obeisance to oneself.

If we believe in the Buddha nature within others and truly respect and value them as people, though they may seem to resist, the Buddha nature within them will respond to ours.

Arrogant people who disrespect others will end up losing trust and respect of those around them.

If we respect others and always try to discover what we can learn from them, our life will be enriched and more enjoyable. We will be respected by others in return, just like the simile of our reflection bowing back to us in the mirror and be able to lead a winning life.

Disciple: Some people easily lose confidence when human relationships don’t go the way they hope.

Mentor: That’s why it is important to chant. Through the power of our deep and strong resolve, chanting nam myoho renge kyo is the ultimate means for bringing harmony to people in our environment and transforming then into a positive force for value creation. In addition, praying for others’ happiness and welfare is the action of a Buddha. There is no higher or nobler state of life.

The lotus sutra states: “Although the devil and devil people will be there and they will protect the Buddhist law”. If you have a strong faith, you can transform anyone onto an ally who will support the noble cause of human happiness and unsurpassed good that is kosen rufu. It is amazing how this works, that is why nothing is better than chanting.

Through chanting Nam myoho renge kyo, we can transform any relationship in to a fortunate Buddhist connection, any person into a positive “good friend”.

Disciple: Is it healthy for a couple to quarrel?

Mentor: Having the spunk to argue is a sign of good health! When the two people are in a relationship share similar life conditions, it is only natural that they will lock horns from time to time. On the other hand, if one of them begins to think of the other as a child who does not know any better, then the two will probably, not have serious confrontations because their life states are so different.

It would be great if we could live cheerfully, enjoying life to the extent that we regard our partner’s nagging as a sign of his or her good health and proof that he or she is alive and kicking. When we develop a broad state of life, then even a cacophony of criticism sounds like the sweet song of a bird.

Patience is the key to happiness

Mentor: At any rate, the important things are love and compassion. From the understanding, all a couple can do us chant daimoku together with their sights set on a lofty goal and strive for true happiness.

Even married couples were strangers at one time, without patience and the effort to understand one another; things are not likely to go well. Patience is necessary for a couple to live together, earn a living, protect their home, and educate their children while dedicating themselves for others.

We need patience in order to become happy. There are many who dream about the happiness without patience. But that is a dream, but a dream is just that- a dream, a fairy tale. It is to wish for a childish, easy life. This illusion breaks up many marriages. The pursuit of such happiness can only end in our becoming miserable.

It is important to make efforts to calmly construct something together. From there, real love develops. Real love means wanting to live with the other person throughout eternity. Real marriage id when you have been married for 25 years and feel an even deeper love than you did when you first met. Love that does not is merely on the level of simple likes and dislikes.

It is important for a couple to listen to each other. Men in particular should listen to what women have to say. It is important for a couple to compliment each other and praise each other inside the home. It does not matter what for- praising each other is what matters. Nothing good comes from only pointing out the other person’s faults. That’s just foolishness.

On divorce

Disciple: Getting stuck with someone you never want to see again is to experience the suffering of having to meet those whom one hates. It happens sometimes that people who fall in love and get married reach a point when they can’t stand the sight of each other! Such conflicts may result in divorce, but some situations it might be best to look at the problem as one’s karma and then work hard at changing karma at the fundamental level.

Mentor: This is something that only two people involved can decide. No one else has the right to say that anyone either should or should not get divorced. Nor can anyone say a person has no faith because they are divorced, Divorce is a matter of free will.

Whether or not people get divorced, the important thing is that they become happy, that they do their human revolution. Whether someone is married or not, has children or not, of utmost importance is happiness, this is what faith is about. For happiness exists within our own life.

We are born alone and we die alone. We live so that we may transform ourselves in this lifetime. That’s why we need to do our best, regarding those around us as good friend who help us develop our faith and viewing everything from the Buddhist point of view.

Someone once asked, “Things are not going very well between my husband and me. Should I stick it out? Or do you think I ought to consider separated?

Mentor: “I can’t tell you what to do about your marriage. I can neither tell you not to get divorced, nor to get divorced. The only thing I can say is that unless you break through your karma to have such a husband, then, even if you do separate, you are bound to experience the same kind of suffering in the future. And if you are going to have to go through the same suffering anyway, then perhaps it is not too late to do something about your present marriage.  

The fact is that most marriages are not 100% successful. Some have gone so far as to say that 99% of all marriages are unsuccessful!